Who am I?
I was driving in the car and had my iPod playing. It was playing the Casting Crowns song, "Who Am I?" I have listened to this song many times, and have been humbled by the lyrics. But today, I listened and thought of it as my prayer to the Lord.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart.
The song goes on to remind me that this is all because of what the Lord has done and will do. This is all part of His plan. It is not by anything that I have done or who I am, but all Him.
When you look at me, you don't see MS. Multiple Sclerosis is the hidden disease. One of the most common statements from people is, "you don't look sick". The weird thing is that I have even gone to my neurologist's office and had the office staff say that I "looked" fine, simply because I had combed my hair and had make-up on. MS effects approximately 250,000 t0 350,000 people in the United States. It is hidden! I love the fact that at times I can hide my MS from other people. I want to be known for who I am, not by what I have. But there is definitely a downside to having a disease that people can't see. I think it makes it harder for people to really comprehend the chronic pain that I have gone through with this disease. Bless the hearts of those who have someone in their lives with MS.
Let me show you the face of MS. Multiple Sclerosis typically strikes twice as many females as males. The onset is usually in her early 20's. She struggles with fatigue. Oh, when I say fatigue... I mean almost completely debilitating exhaustion. Behind the fatigue is a quiet battle with depression. There is organic depression that comes from the disease, then there is the sadness from not being able to do the things that she wants to do. Or feeling depressed about having to cancel some plans, again. She feels depressed because the MS has changed how she sees herself, and how others see her. MS takes things about ourselves without ever asking.
She hurts. MS is full of symptoms like fatigue, memory loss or trouble thinking and articulating thoughts. But she hurts. She hurts a lot. Just to let you know, she feels bad to say that she hurts all the time. But she does hurt all the time. Sometimes the pain is more than she thinks she can bear. When an attack hits, she can't walk and it's humiliating.
Who am I? Yes, I am the face of MS, but I am so much more. I am the wife, that is so sorry that you have to share this burden with me. But I am also the wife that loves you with my entire heart and thanks you for your tenderness and compassion. I am the wife that is thankful for a husband that has adapted his dreams to include the MS, but to not be dominated by it. I am the mother, who is so thankful that I did not listen to the doctors advice to not have any more children. I would've missed so much! I am the mother that hopes that by seeing this disease, that you will have learned that we are human and that this body is temporary. I hope that I have shown you that when sin entered the world that disease came in. This is not how God intended us to be. I hope that you have seen that God has allowed the MS to be in our family to teach us to trust in Him. I am the daughter that has had to learn to still rely on my mother, no matter what my age. I have learned that we never outgrow needing mom! I am the friend, that is humbled by the loyal friendships. My friends, you have taught me that God's love and touch is here on earth through you.
Who am I? Thank you Lord for creating me. Thank you Lord for being everything to me. I am your child. I am your daughter. I will trust always in you. When you created me you knew the journey that my family, friends and I would journey with MS, and you have shown us that you are here. I am yours, and I am part of the plan. Thank you Lord.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Grass Withers and Flowers Fade....
"The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of God stands forever." Isaiah 40:8
Temporary. This is all temporary. Oh, my that helps! I was driving with Madeline, when like it seems all my children have done, they ask the tough questions while I am in the car driving. We began to talk about what heaven is and what it'll be like. We talked about how beautiful heaven will be. How we will all be together with God. Suddenly, it dawned on me that we will have new and perfect bodies. I said,"Madeline, do you realize that when Mommy gets to heaven that she won't have MS anymore?" "Are you serious?" she asked. Then the significance of it hit me ---- I won't have MS anymore. I won't feel the daily chronic pain anymore. I not only teared up, but actually began to sob. Lord this is only temporary.
The grass withers and the flowers fade..... Lord, the challenges of this life are just a moment in Your time. You are the God that was and is and will always be. Just a moment.... then it'll be over. You mean I'll be able to shed this body? This body, that has turned against me so many times. This body that has taken dreams away? This body that won't be controlled? Yes, Lord.... I want to meet you in your Heavens. I want to be the creature that you created in your perfect nature. I am but a blade of grass, but a petal on a flower. But You Lord, are forever. When I cling to this promise Lord, will you help me endure the pain? Will you be there when the IVs are started and the nurse cannot find my vein? Will you meet me in the middle of the night, when the pain overtakes me? Yes, Lord --- You are there. I have seen you. I have felt you.
There have been times in this journey with MS that I have lost the ability to hear or see anything or anyone around me. Lord, the pain overtakes me. It won't stop. You are there. I feel you. Lord, please remind me that this is only a moment. Remember the day that I was in the hospital shower? I sat on the floor, as the water ran over my body. I was alone and felt such helplessness. The water blended with my tears. What is this for? Lord, does anyone really understand? I was reduced to a mound of flesh and water. Lord, that is what I am,a mound of flesh and water ready to be molded. You haven't left.
The sun always rises the next day. I survive the attack. I make it through the pain. The sun rises. As a flower, I recognize my Lord, my sun and I feel your warmth. I feel myself stretch toward You.
Thank you Lord for the temporary side of our lives, for through these times we see Your glory.
As this body withers and fades, I know that I am closer and closer to uniting with my Lord and shedding this body.
Temporary. This is all temporary. Oh, my that helps! I was driving with Madeline, when like it seems all my children have done, they ask the tough questions while I am in the car driving. We began to talk about what heaven is and what it'll be like. We talked about how beautiful heaven will be. How we will all be together with God. Suddenly, it dawned on me that we will have new and perfect bodies. I said,"Madeline, do you realize that when Mommy gets to heaven that she won't have MS anymore?" "Are you serious?" she asked. Then the significance of it hit me ---- I won't have MS anymore. I won't feel the daily chronic pain anymore. I not only teared up, but actually began to sob. Lord this is only temporary.
The grass withers and the flowers fade..... Lord, the challenges of this life are just a moment in Your time. You are the God that was and is and will always be. Just a moment.... then it'll be over. You mean I'll be able to shed this body? This body, that has turned against me so many times. This body that has taken dreams away? This body that won't be controlled? Yes, Lord.... I want to meet you in your Heavens. I want to be the creature that you created in your perfect nature. I am but a blade of grass, but a petal on a flower. But You Lord, are forever. When I cling to this promise Lord, will you help me endure the pain? Will you be there when the IVs are started and the nurse cannot find my vein? Will you meet me in the middle of the night, when the pain overtakes me? Yes, Lord --- You are there. I have seen you. I have felt you.
There have been times in this journey with MS that I have lost the ability to hear or see anything or anyone around me. Lord, the pain overtakes me. It won't stop. You are there. I feel you. Lord, please remind me that this is only a moment. Remember the day that I was in the hospital shower? I sat on the floor, as the water ran over my body. I was alone and felt such helplessness. The water blended with my tears. What is this for? Lord, does anyone really understand? I was reduced to a mound of flesh and water. Lord, that is what I am,a mound of flesh and water ready to be molded. You haven't left.
The sun always rises the next day. I survive the attack. I make it through the pain. The sun rises. As a flower, I recognize my Lord, my sun and I feel your warmth. I feel myself stretch toward You.
Thank you Lord for the temporary side of our lives, for through these times we see Your glory.
As this body withers and fades, I know that I am closer and closer to uniting with my Lord and shedding this body.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Lord, you chose this......
He chose this for me. I didn't. I had other lofty plans. He had my heart therefore, He knew the plans He had laid for me would be difficult for me to accept and most definitely painful, but together we walked.
I've always had faith in Him, and faith has been my light upon this path. I personally had all my plans made. Looking back on those plans even as I write this, they seem so simple. For so many years, I mourned those plans. I did all that I could to fulfill those plans. I would fall and get up. Fall and get up. Fall and ..... No, those plans were not going to happen. They were gone.
I was never mad at Him for the disease. I never even questioned why. I always felt more of why not me? But I guess I never realized how much the disease changed my life, my purpose. I spent so much time working to fulfill my goals and failing each time, that I didn't embrace the disease. For many years I hid the MS from my friends. I was not going to be identified with MS. I would hide my attacks and retreat. Once the attack was over I would reappear. Time and progression of the disease made this secretive system fail. Lord, you chose this.
I began to learn to let others in. I needed help. I learned to be vulnerable and exposed. There was no choice. Earlier in the disease I had lost so many friends. The MS made life real and for those friends, it was too much. But now I was turning 30 and there were other friends in my life. He had brought them to me like a gorgeous bouquet. Each different and unique. Each as fragrant as a blossoming flower. He brought them to me. I learned through these beautiful friendships that I could have an attack and they would not run. I began to trust in friendship again. Lord, you chose this.
I would have never chosen this upon my life or that of my family. My husband and I were newlyweds when I was diagnosed. He never left me or gave me an indication that he would be anywhere other than by my side fighting this disease. How would I have made it in those early years without Rob? My Sweet Baby always walked into a room and said, "Hey Hot Stuff" even when I was obviously swollen and puff face from the steroids. He made me feel beautiful always. (He still does.) Looking back I realize - I did ask why. But the question "why?" was never about me, it was about Rob. Why would he have to deal with a wife with multiple sclerosis? Why did He chose this for Rob? I am only going to be in the way. He is so young and has so much of life ahead of him, why? The MS became the third variable in our marriage. I tried to act as normal as I could for years. I would allow myself periods of time, after I had privately battled it myself, and then reach a point when I had to tell Rob and my family that I needed to go to the hospital. At those points, I would usually be admitted for a week of steroids. I was afraid of being too much. I didn't want Rob to look at me and see MS. I wanted him to see Carrie. Full of life. Lord, you chose this?
He blessed us with three beautiful and amazing children. Oh my gosh, how I am in total and complete love with them! I had the boys during the earlier years and was able to juggle my "allowed attacks" as little as possible. MS attacks with small children were tricky to manage. Removing mom from everything is an instant juggling act. Poor Rob and my mom during those years. It wasn't until the "big" attacks started hitting that I really panicked. I am going to be a burden on my children. I am not fun and exciting! All those fears crept in without invitation.
I can't imagine having a mother with multiple sclerosis. Lord, you chose this?
After many years, the Lord began to reveal to me that He had not only chosen this path for me, but for my family as well. I was the one with the actual disease, but they had MS too. Once the Lord lifted the guilt of that from my shoulders, I began to look for the purpose of the MS in our family. I began to realize the hearts my children were growing during these attacks. They have learned that the Lord places things in our life to grow us. My children have grown such a love and tenderness for me that never ceases to amaze me. All of the kids fight the MS with me. I can't count the number of times that Cameron and Harrison have literally caught me, as I was falling. During nights of tremendous pain and tears, I will realize that Rob and all three children are there on the bed with me, praying and touching me. Lord, you chose this.
Here I sit twenty years later, and I realize this disease has brought so many blessings into my life. I have learned to literally feel the joys and pains of this life. I have realized that this life and this body are temporary. I have learned that life never goes as we plan it. The Lord has shown me and reminded me to embrace the challenges, the losses and to grow from them. During an attack during Christmas two years ago, a home nurse was giving me my Solu-Medrol IV treatment when the Lord revealed a small reason why to me. The nurse was named Mary. She had been born and raised in Kenya. She married and moved to the United States and became a nurse. During my treatments, Mary shared with me that the money that she was earning from this treatment made it possible for her to send money back to Kenya for the children in her village. At that moment, I was so humbled. I was a channel. He used my pain and the MS attack as a means to bring Mary into my life. She, too, is a believer in the Lord. He used me to bless Mary, who blessed the children. A channel. I can do this, I realized. Lord, you chose this.
The Lord has made this life so sweet to me. A channel - hmm... yes, Lord. I am now thankful for the challenge. By no means does it make it easy. The pain is still incredible and fierce. His plans were always greater than mine. Lord, you chose this.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10
I've always had faith in Him, and faith has been my light upon this path. I personally had all my plans made. Looking back on those plans even as I write this, they seem so simple. For so many years, I mourned those plans. I did all that I could to fulfill those plans. I would fall and get up. Fall and get up. Fall and ..... No, those plans were not going to happen. They were gone.
I was never mad at Him for the disease. I never even questioned why. I always felt more of why not me? But I guess I never realized how much the disease changed my life, my purpose. I spent so much time working to fulfill my goals and failing each time, that I didn't embrace the disease. For many years I hid the MS from my friends. I was not going to be identified with MS. I would hide my attacks and retreat. Once the attack was over I would reappear. Time and progression of the disease made this secretive system fail. Lord, you chose this.
I began to learn to let others in. I needed help. I learned to be vulnerable and exposed. There was no choice. Earlier in the disease I had lost so many friends. The MS made life real and for those friends, it was too much. But now I was turning 30 and there were other friends in my life. He had brought them to me like a gorgeous bouquet. Each different and unique. Each as fragrant as a blossoming flower. He brought them to me. I learned through these beautiful friendships that I could have an attack and they would not run. I began to trust in friendship again. Lord, you chose this.
I would have never chosen this upon my life or that of my family. My husband and I were newlyweds when I was diagnosed. He never left me or gave me an indication that he would be anywhere other than by my side fighting this disease. How would I have made it in those early years without Rob? My Sweet Baby always walked into a room and said, "Hey Hot Stuff" even when I was obviously swollen and puff face from the steroids. He made me feel beautiful always. (He still does.) Looking back I realize - I did ask why. But the question "why?" was never about me, it was about Rob. Why would he have to deal with a wife with multiple sclerosis? Why did He chose this for Rob? I am only going to be in the way. He is so young and has so much of life ahead of him, why? The MS became the third variable in our marriage. I tried to act as normal as I could for years. I would allow myself periods of time, after I had privately battled it myself, and then reach a point when I had to tell Rob and my family that I needed to go to the hospital. At those points, I would usually be admitted for a week of steroids. I was afraid of being too much. I didn't want Rob to look at me and see MS. I wanted him to see Carrie. Full of life. Lord, you chose this?
He blessed us with three beautiful and amazing children. Oh my gosh, how I am in total and complete love with them! I had the boys during the earlier years and was able to juggle my "allowed attacks" as little as possible. MS attacks with small children were tricky to manage. Removing mom from everything is an instant juggling act. Poor Rob and my mom during those years. It wasn't until the "big" attacks started hitting that I really panicked. I am going to be a burden on my children. I am not fun and exciting! All those fears crept in without invitation.
I can't imagine having a mother with multiple sclerosis. Lord, you chose this?
After many years, the Lord began to reveal to me that He had not only chosen this path for me, but for my family as well. I was the one with the actual disease, but they had MS too. Once the Lord lifted the guilt of that from my shoulders, I began to look for the purpose of the MS in our family. I began to realize the hearts my children were growing during these attacks. They have learned that the Lord places things in our life to grow us. My children have grown such a love and tenderness for me that never ceases to amaze me. All of the kids fight the MS with me. I can't count the number of times that Cameron and Harrison have literally caught me, as I was falling. During nights of tremendous pain and tears, I will realize that Rob and all three children are there on the bed with me, praying and touching me. Lord, you chose this.
Here I sit twenty years later, and I realize this disease has brought so many blessings into my life. I have learned to literally feel the joys and pains of this life. I have realized that this life and this body are temporary. I have learned that life never goes as we plan it. The Lord has shown me and reminded me to embrace the challenges, the losses and to grow from them. During an attack during Christmas two years ago, a home nurse was giving me my Solu-Medrol IV treatment when the Lord revealed a small reason why to me. The nurse was named Mary. She had been born and raised in Kenya. She married and moved to the United States and became a nurse. During my treatments, Mary shared with me that the money that she was earning from this treatment made it possible for her to send money back to Kenya for the children in her village. At that moment, I was so humbled. I was a channel. He used my pain and the MS attack as a means to bring Mary into my life. She, too, is a believer in the Lord. He used me to bless Mary, who blessed the children. A channel. I can do this, I realized. Lord, you chose this.
The Lord has made this life so sweet to me. A channel - hmm... yes, Lord. I am now thankful for the challenge. By no means does it make it easy. The pain is still incredible and fierce. His plans were always greater than mine. Lord, you chose this.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10
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