Who am I?

Who am I?

I was driving in the car and had my iPod playing. It was playing the Casting Crowns song, "Who Am I?" I have listened to this song many times, and have been humbled by the lyrics. But today, I listened and thought of it as my prayer to the Lord.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart.

The song goes on to remind me that this is all because of what the Lord has done and will do. This is all part of His plan. It is not by anything that I have done or who I am, but all Him.

When you look at me, you don't see MS. Multiple Sclerosis is the hidden disease. One of the most common statements from people is, "you don't look sick". The weird thing is that I have even gone to my neurologist's office and had the office staff say that I "looked" fine, simply because I had combed my hair and had make-up on. MS effects approximately 250,000 t0 350,000 people in the United States. It is hidden! I love the fact that at times I can hide my MS from other people. I want to be known for who I am, not by what I have. But there is definitely a downside to having a disease that people can't see. I think it makes it harder for people to really comprehend the chronic pain that I have gone through with this disease. Bless the hearts of those who have someone in their lives with MS.

Let me show you the face of MS. Multiple Sclerosis typically strikes twice as many females as males. The onset is usually in her early 20's. She struggles with fatigue. Oh, when I say fatigue... I mean almost completely debilitating exhaustion. Behind the fatigue is a quiet battle with depression. There is organic depression that comes from the disease, then there is the sadness from not being able to do the things that she wants to do. Or feeling depressed about having to cancel some plans, again. She feels depressed because the MS has changed how she sees herself, and how others see her. MS takes things about ourselves without ever asking.
She hurts. MS is full of symptoms like fatigue, memory loss or trouble thinking and articulating thoughts. But she hurts. She hurts a lot. Just to let you know, she feels bad to say that she hurts all the time. But she does hurt all the time. Sometimes the pain is more than she thinks she can bear. When an attack hits, she can't walk and it's humiliating.

Who am I? Yes, I am the face of MS, but I am so much more. I am the wife, that is so sorry that you have to share this burden with me. But I am also the wife that loves you with my entire heart and thanks you for your tenderness and compassion. I am the wife that is thankful for a husband that has adapted his dreams to include the MS, but to not be dominated by it. I am the mother, who is so thankful that I did not listen to the doctors advice to not have any more children. I would've missed so much! I am the mother that hopes that by seeing this disease, that you will have learned that we are human and that this body is temporary. I hope that I have shown you that when sin entered the world that disease came in. This is not how God intended us to be. I hope that you have seen that God has allowed the MS to be in our family to teach us to trust in Him. I am the daughter that has had to learn to still rely on my mother, no matter what my age. I have learned that we never outgrow needing mom! I am the friend, that is humbled by the loyal friendships. My friends, you have taught me that God's love and touch is here on earth through you.

Who am I? Thank you Lord for creating me. Thank you Lord for being everything to me. I am your child. I am your daughter. I will trust always in you. When you created me you knew the journey that my family, friends and I would journey with MS, and you have shown us that you are here. I am yours, and I am part of the plan. Thank you Lord.

Grass Withers and Flowers Fade....

"The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of God stands forever." Isaiah 40:8



Temporary. This is all temporary. Oh, my that helps! I was driving with Madeline, when like it seems all my children have done, they ask the tough questions while I am in the car driving. We began to talk about what heaven is and what it'll be like. We talked about how beautiful heaven will be. How we will all be together with God. Suddenly, it dawned on me that we will have new and perfect bodies. I said,"Madeline, do you realize that when Mommy gets to heaven that she won't have MS anymore?" "Are you serious?" she asked. Then the significance of it hit me ---- I won't have MS anymore. I won't feel the daily chronic pain anymore. I not only teared up, but actually began to sob. Lord this is only temporary.

The grass withers and the flowers fade..... Lord, the challenges of this life are just a moment in Your time. You are the God that was and is and will always be. Just a moment.... then it'll be over. You mean I'll be able to shed this body? This body, that has turned against me so many times. This body that has taken dreams away? This body that won't be controlled? Yes, Lord.... I want to meet you in your Heavens. I want to be the creature that you created in your perfect nature. I am but a blade of grass, but a petal on a flower. But You Lord, are forever. When I cling to this promise Lord, will you help me endure the pain? Will you be there when the IVs are started and the nurse cannot find my vein? Will you meet me in the middle of the night, when the pain overtakes me? Yes, Lord --- You are there. I have seen you. I have felt you.

There have been times in this journey with MS that I have lost the ability to hear or see anything or anyone around me. Lord, the pain overtakes me. It won't stop. You are there. I feel you. Lord, please remind me that this is only a moment. Remember the day that I was in the hospital shower? I sat on the floor, as the water ran over my body. I was alone and felt such helplessness. The water blended with my tears. What is this for? Lord, does anyone really understand? I was reduced to a mound of flesh and water. Lord, that is what I am,a mound of flesh and water ready to be molded. You haven't left.

The sun always rises the next day. I survive the attack. I make it through the pain. The sun rises. As a flower, I recognize my Lord, my sun and I feel your warmth. I feel myself stretch toward You.

Thank you Lord for the temporary side of our lives, for through these times we see Your glory.
As this body withers and fades, I know that I am closer and closer to uniting with my Lord and shedding this body.